Boosting Your E.Q.: Steps to Build Your Emotional Intelligence
Editors Note: I’d like to welcome and introduce Wendy Bailey for today’s guest post.
Experts in the fields of psychology and business management agree; old fashioned I.Q. tests are not clear indicators of human potential. While adeptness with math, logic, and language may be useful measures of one narrow field of expertise, the implications of emotional intelligence cannot be ignored. Developing relationships, assessing the potential of new clients, and even determining how best to employ the assets of employees depend upon great leadership and emotional intelligence.
The impact of this type of intelligence reaches far beyond professional life, affecting personal relationships, academic success, even family dynamics and parenting. Yet, outside of psychology programs, there are very few classes dedicated to developing one’s emotional skills.
So how can you take advantage of cultivating a high E.Q.? Follow a few simple steps and watch your expertise grow exponentially.
What Is Emotional Intelligence
Various contributors to the field of emotional intelligence studies offer their own definitions of emotional intelligence. Common to all of them is the idea that emotional intelligence begins with awareness of emotions within oneself and others which can then be developed into the ability to use that awareness to strategize and control emotional dynamics within the self, with others, and amongst groups. While this may initially strike one as being a recipe for manipulation, it is in fact a means of learning to appreciate and appropriately utilize the widely varied talents and temperaments of the many people within an organization or community.
For example, an emotionally intelligent leader recognizes the value of an extrovert who is energized by the attention of a large group, and may assign them to roles which require strong community organization and motivation. Conversely, the same leader will recognize a person who is more comfortable in one-to-one interactions, but who may be more skilled at analytical tasks and private consultations with colleagues. Perhaps the easiest model for emotional intelligence development comes from Daniel Goleman. His four point model highlights:
• Self Awareness- An awareness of one’s own emotions which is strong enough to allow for emotion-guided decision making.
• Self-Management- Managing the self involves the ability to regulate the intensity and effect of emotions, allowing for impulse control and adaptation.
• Social Awareness- This is the ability to perceive the emotional states of others, whether as individuals or within a group. Often, this is referred to as empathy. Social awareness also includes the capability to understand social networks, or the way people relate to one another within a larger community.
• Relationship Management- This is a more advanced form of emotional intelligence which manifests as leadership abilities such as inspiring groups to action, influencing popular opinion, and mentoring growth in others while simultaneously managing conflict.
How To Build Your Emotional Intelligence
1). Look To Your Self.
Emotional intelligence begins with awareness of your own emotional state, and the amount of influence you allow that to have over your decisions. Assessing whether you have a healthy connection to your internal reality, or whether you repress or deny stronger emotions is an important first step. From awareness of your emotions, you will gain the ability to trust your “gut” and dedicate yourself more firmly to your chosen path
2). Know Yourself, But Control Yourself
Emotions are wonderful tools for assessing your Self, your surroundings and the people in your life. However, it is important that their influence be one of balance. Are you tuning into your emotions or are you allowing them to run your life? Impulsivity and emotional volatility may be signs that you would benefit from learning how to diffuse highly charged feelings and regain control.
3). Empathy, Empathy, Empathy.
Perceiving emotions in others and being able to internalize them is a crucial component of emotional intelligence. Being able to do so allows you to relate more smoothly to those around you, and forge stronger personal and professional relationships. Putting yourself in other people’s shoes is the surest way to start flexing your empathy muscles. As your ability to empathize with people grows, you will notice a deeper level of trust, responsiveness, and satisfaction with all of the people with whom you interact.
What About You?
Do you see the effects of emotions in the workplace? Any crazy stories? Or is emotional intelligence not a big deal?
Image courtesy of zlady
Wow, now this is kinda hard for me. Cause I am a straightforward person and I generally voice my views upfront or at least that is what my manager says. I will try to give them a try over the next few weeks and let me see if I can actually change the way I interact with my team and family.
Emotional Intelligence is a tricky one. We find that unlike IQ which doesn’t change too much over time, EQ can significantly change as one becomes more experienced and older. It takes an incredible amount of focus, will power, and determination to put your emotions on hold so you can think logically instead of just reacting.
Thanks for the comment Eddie
Not controlling your emotions can be costly!
Just this weekend, one of my coworkers lost her temper. Some customers heard her, and as a result, she was sent home. Now, I didn’t witness everything that happened, but I did see her in a heated discussion with one of our managers.
I know I have gotten this way myself at times. I’ve gotten better, and I tend to have more of these destructive tendencies when I am tired, but I know I have a ways to go.
I have also been working on being more empathetic with others, particularly those I spend a lot of time with, like coworkers. I have a long way to go, but I find that it does help.
Thanks for sharing, Wendy!
Grady Pruitt recently posted..How To Start Achieving Your Goals In Life
Thanks for sharing this Grady,
You are 100% correct that other factors like being tired can further limit our emotional intelligence. There’s a reason when we are sick, tired, or out of it that we often say or do things without thinking first. Emotions are still very important and should not be ignored, but having the ability to respond appropriately in the heat of the moment is a valuable quality to have.
Thanks for sharing Grady,
Bryce
Hi Bryce,
Grady mentioned that he is more vulnerable to reacting when he is tired. That just reminded me that I REALLY have work not to react when I have not eaten (or not eaten properly…I can suffer from hypoglycemia).
Oftentimes when an employee reacts, they create a domino affect. They lose it with a co-work or a manager and, of course, the co-worker or manager is likely to also react. It is possible that they are just as frustrated and unhappy as the employee who is reacting is in any given situation. Since the reaction may be very negative, the other employees’ reaction may be hostile. How will that affect an already charged demeanor? When a person reacts, they are less likely to be heard, productive, or acknowledged.
In my opinion, if you have two people of equal job competency, the one with the higher EQ will be more successful.
Rachel Lavern recently posted..The Respond vs. React Trap
You are completely RIGHT. I totally forgot about hunger, but that can be a huge emotional trigger. Thanks for reminding me.
The domino effect is super powerful. Once the first one tips, it’s very hard to stop the others from falling as well. It takes an extra strong domino to stop the pattern.
Very good comment.
Thanks Rachel
Terrific post. And oh-so-tricky. I am guessing that the two most difficult things are control and empathy. People can learn control to a degree, but I’m not so sure empathy is something that can be learned. And there is the flip side of the coin – I believe there is such a thing as being overly empathetic. I was cursed with such a nature. Perhaps I have an extra empathy gland. I can’t watch the news because I will lay awake for many nights imagining what some poor tortured person (or animal) has suffered. As you may have guessed, I am a very emotional person and sometimes my emotions get the best of me. Control is the key, like you said. I keep trying! Thanks for the post! ~ Suerae
Suerae Stein recently posted..Meatless Monday – Freezer Pickles?
Suerae, you always leave the most thoughtful comments and I can’t appreciate you enough for taking the time to read the blog and share such meaningful thoughts.
I’m with you 100%. Empathy is something that is very hard to learn. I struggle with that myself. I have that independent nature where I feel like I should be able to take care of myself and not need to beg others for their help. Sometimes I reflect that back on others, which isn’t right.
On the flip side like you said, being overly empathetic can cause people to take advantage of you. They feel they can get away with asking things of you that they should be capable of handling themselves.
By you, I mean people in general not you Suerae
Thanks again for the excellent comment.
Bryce
I have read comments and I see that this is a common problem for many people. Although this is slightly beyond the scope of the article, I have that for me daily meditation and exercise has made me more patient with other people. Meditation and exercise keeps me calm for the most part and most things do not upset me as much any more. I think these types of things may be helpful for some of the readers.
Wendy Bailey recently posted..List of Popular Anti-depressant Medications
Thanks Wendy for putting together this fabulous post. Everyone is really enjoying it. Hope to have you as a guest poster again.
Bryce
Building your emotional intelligence will help you a great deal in becoming a better leader and businessman as well in more than one way. Being able to connect with those around you is a priceless ability. Thank heavens this is something a person like me can develop ’cause I know I can’t survive with the dosage I was born with!
Brandon Freund recently posted..Blogging and Driving in San Francisco? More Similar Than You Think!
Thanks Brandon,
That is very true. A strong EQ is a good indicator that you have the ability to connect with others. Like you said it’s something worth working on.
Always good to have you Brandon,
Bryce
Hi Bryce,
Thanks for this article. Learning how to diffuse highly charged feelings and regaining control stuck out for me. I desperately need to improve in this area. The important thing is for me to identify the triggers and then consciously choose how I am going to respond –more often than not, I should step away from the situation and then come back to it with clearer eyes.
Lisa H. recently posted..12 YouTube Videos That Will Change Your Life or At Least Make You Think About Changing It
That’s a great strategy. In the videos we use on this subject they compare our emotional gauge to a glass of water. When our emotions are becoming stronger, it’s like putting red food coloring into that glass. It takes some time and effort to get the food coloring to mellow out to a clear color again.
Emotions are the same way, when you get red, it’s wise to take yourself out of the situation and allow yourself to return to a positive state again. Great point.
Bryce
Great article.
I’m living proof that you can definitely grow your emotional intelligence over time. I was naturally a rather analytical kid, and did well on reading tests and the like. However, my social ability was fairly stunted until I began actively working on it.
As you mentioned here, one of the things that most helped was to become aware of my own emotions. Meditation and simply paying attention to your internal state is very important for this.
Fred Tracy recently posted..Opinions Are Like Assholes (Especially from Strangers)
So true. Meditation is an excellent way to clear your emotions and get back to a positive internal state. Loved your guest post on meditation by the way.
Bryce
Three keys things seems to be discussed here:
1) The need for managing our own emotions
2) Empathy for others.
3) Self Awareness of emotions.
Whilst I agree that all three are significant to EQ development, I think the literature and advice still fall short of the types of specific tools and skills that are available for personal use. Surely we can go beyond the meditations, putting ourselves in other people’s shoes and so on.
Jimmy/Life Architects recently posted..25 Elementary Principles for Success in Life – Principle 23
Great summary.
We have done some coaching on this subject and have a workbook and videos, but in general the tools out there to help with this are limited.
It’s a lifetime goal to work on. We can never completely master emotional intelligence.
Bryce
Hi Bryce and Wendy, what a very important topic! I remember when the EQ concept became popularized and the controversy surrounding it. But EQ always made perfect sense to me. It explains a lot about success. You can have a gold-plated resume, but if you have a low EQ your chances of succeeding in the workplace are greatly reduced.
Whenever my husband tells me of some incredible story of behavior in his workplace, we shake our heads and say, “low EQ.”
I’m like Suerae, my issue is too much empathy, but it comes in handy as a mom!
So glad to see you here, Wendy. Great job, Bryce, with picking a guest author!
Carolyn@The Wonder of Tech recently posted..Emergency Aid – Your Most Important App
You said it perfectly. “You can have a gold-plated resume, but if you have a low EQ your chances of succeeding in the workplace are greatly reduced. ”
Ever been in a room with a brilliant person only to see them lose their cool? You almost lose any confidence in them.
Women are much better at the empathy aspect than men in my opinion. It’s a quality I’m constantly working on myself.
Bryce
I like to keep it simple. I work on being aware of my own state firstly and I am also aware that others do not share my state on most occasions…..a bit of give & take if you will. Be aware that we are all different and factor that into your communication/language.
As Covey said….”seek to understand before seeking to be understood” or words to that effect.
as always,
be good to yourself
David
David Stevens recently posted..Do Goals scare you?
That’s a great way to tackle it.
Understanding your own state is a major part of EQ. Connecting others’ emotions with your own is not an easy task. A bit of give and take is always a worthy approach.
Thanks for the comment,
Bryce
Hi Bryce and Wendy,
EQ seems so important in all areas of life. I believe EQ can be learned and practiced, and being able to work with others in a group setting is a key component to success in any endeavor of life.
Cathy | Treatment Talk recently posted..Stay Close: An Interview with Libby Cataldi
Hi Cathy,
You bring up a great point that hasn’t been mentioned yet. A group setting is an excellent way to improve your EQ. Being able to talk about your emotional triggers, what relaxes you, and what sets you off as a group is an excellent way to build understanding.
Thanks for the great point and for adding an excellent point to the conversation.
Bryce
Having a high EQ in the workplace is very important. You deal with people every minute while you’re in the office, and if you got some issues with your EQ, it’s going to affect your relationships with your colleagues and bosses as well as helping you move up and become a better employee and employer.
Adeline | Life and Leisure recently posted..Trip Planning Made Easy with Duffel Trip Planner
You got it completely right Adeline.
Nothing is more awkward or uncomfortable than having two coworkers that don’t get along. It doesn’t just affect the two of them, but their team as well. I highly recommend every team have at least a basic understanding of eachother’s EQ and triggers.
Bryce
I completely agree with you Bryce. That’s a toss up with those that act so high and mighty one minute and then bawls in one corner after being corrected because they feel that they are being picked on.
Adeline | Life and Leisure recently posted..Travel agencies encouraged to promote arts and culture in the Philippines
Hehe, that is pretty awkward as well. I don’t know what I would do if I worked with someone like that, but I’ll be sure to get your advice if I ever do.
Bryce
Wendy I’m with you as I’m a major advocate of self-enquiry before most other things. The ability to have self understanding and connection as a foundation in your life equates to millions of self-help books and seminars all in one. It’s self-validation of who you are from the inside out which is the one piece missing in so many lost and unhappy lives.
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Great addition John,
Doing a self-enquiry alone would do so much for our lives. We’d stop working in jobs that don’t fulfill us. We’d get more out of our relationships. We’d be better communicators.
It’s such an essential ability.
Thanks for adding to the conversation.
Bryce
Hi Bryce and Wendy,
I love the emphasis here on really “coming to know thyself.” Emotional Intelligence is just that, learning to become aware of our strengths and weaknesses. Awareness is power.
It seems that there are two selves to get to know. One self is the authentic self. This self has incredible potential. The other self is an imposter; it’s a false version of us. This culprit continually vandalizes our lives. If we let this imposter run the show it wreaks havoc at work and home. Becoming intelligent of our two selves allows us to shine the spotlight of attention on our own unique authentic strength.
rob white recently posted..Your True Identity
Really good way of putting it Rob. When we let negative emotions overcome our true self, we give power to the imposter. We let the imposter make decisions for us that our true self would be more careful with.
I like that analogy Rob.
Thanks for adding to the conversation.
Bryce
Wendy,
Wonderful article. I like your “Look To Your Self” section which sounds everything. I strongly believe Emotional Intelligence has deep connections with your mind state and need lot of work around to identify your string and weak areas. Chart down everything as positive and negative elements from you and keep focused how you can improve yourself.
Thanks for sharing the great article.
Manickam,
Good to see you. You have a very keen method for improving your Emotional Intelligence. Understanding your strengths and weaknesses is such a crucial part of progressing as an individual.
I like that.
Thanks for sharing,
Bryce
Hi Bryce and Wendy,
This is an excellent topic. I studied emotional intelligence for year and took many tests and I’m happy to say that I scrored in the 90′s in these tests. I worked hard on myself to know myself better, to become aware of my thoughts and emotions and to develop empathy for everyone. The more we know about ourselves, the more emotionall intelligent we become. Thanks for sharing
Dia recently posted..I’m so stressed out
That’s really good Dia,
Not many young people score well on the Emotional Intelligence tests. It’s just the way it is for most of us. EQ is usually something that you get better at with age, but you seem to have learned some great ways to improve it even quicker.
Thanks for sharing,
Bryce
As the society become more competitive, we need to have high EQ to be successful in life, I always tell my students, they need to develop their EQ too, not only just do well in their studies.
David@how-to-get-rid-of-heartburn recently posted..How to get rid of heartburn naturally?
Hi David,
Welcome to the blog. I appreciate your comment and am happy to see someone that understands the importance of EQ. It really is a compliment of our book smarts.
Bryce
I believe to Cathy’s said, EQ seems so important in all areas of life. I believe EQ can be learned and practiced, and being able to work with others in a group setting is a key component to success in any endeavor of life. I absolutely agree with her.
elpidio recently posted..A Lyrics For The Living God
Thanks Elpidio,
Cathy had great points didn’t she. I really liked the group setting idea as well. When I first learned about EQ, it was in a group setting. We were able to go through different exercises to help our team work better together. It’s not that we had problems, but more as a way to help us know how to help eachother out if one of us was having a bad day. It was super helpful and a great exercise.
Bryce
Excellent information Wendy. Emotional intelligence is the most important component to be successful, There is one hell of a tough exam in India for getting into MBA colleges. It is all about scores in Math and English and then later on it is about how well someone can talk. However , I do not find people who have succeeded getting into those colleges managing teams very well. They are good at numbers while failing at people management.
I think they fail at building relationships and having empathy for others.
Entrepreneurs too need EQ more than IQ because IQ is defined much narrower and probably does not prepare one for handling various aspects of life.
Recently Warren buffet too told a group of MBA’s that their IQ is too much high for entry into financial world. I think he made a lot of sense
Thanks for sharing
Ashvini recently posted..Importance of delegation in effective team management
That’s a really cool story with Warren Buffet. I didn’t know he shared that, how funny.
It’s really easy to become unbalanced. You need the EQ to balance out the IQ. We all know those brainiacs who have no social skills at all. They can be complete jerks or do some pretty stupid things without any awareness of the effect it has on others.
Excellent comment Ashvini,
Thanks for sharing.
Bryce
Wonderful post. I think that our success depends on how well we know ourselves. I believe that everyone has something in them or about them that’s nothing like anything else the world has ever seen. It sounds cheesy and almost fairytaleish but I believe it with all of my heart. The higher emotional intelligence we have, the more successful and happy we will be.
Bennett Rainey recently posted..Studying Abroad in Venice, Italy – Part 1
Hey Bryce and Wendy,
This is such a wonderful piece. I did my master thesis on emotional intelligence and I can’t agree more to every thing mentioned here!
Emotional intelligence as a concept is comparatively new but its applicability and power is multi fold.
Thanks for the informative post.
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