Communication

Prediction: Introverts Will Soon Be in High Demand

Michelle Agner Blog, Communication, Personal Growth, Understanding Yourself 11 Comments

So, you described that guy as an “introvert.”

That’s kind of like a wallflower, right?

Nope.

Well, that’s pretty much what Dictionary.com says. See?

But experts like Susan Cain, Lisa Petrilli, and Marti Olsen Laney offer a new definition for introvert. A better one, if you ask me. But maybe that’s because these experts recently lifted a burden I’d been carrying around for many years.

They describe introverts as people who prefer listening to speaking, reading to partying, and who generally prefer working on their own over brainstorming in teams.

And based on what these experts are saying, we can write off the selfish-sounding second definition listed above, too. Consider that introverts aren’t concerned primarily with their own thoughts and feelings, although they may appear that way.

Yes, introverts focus on thoughts and feelings, but it’s not necessarily limited to their own.

As with extroverts, some introverts are task-oriented, others are people-oriented. And people-oriented introverts consider others’ thoughts and feelings, just like people-oriented extroverts do. Maybe even more. [There's a study mentioned later in this post with supporting data].

The Power of Introverts…at Work

According to Cain, we don’t need giant personalities to lead teams or build great companies. We need people who, instead of building their egos, want to create something to share with the world. And just because you’re an introvert, that doesn’t mean you don’t have what it takes.

Regardless of what that little voice inside your head might be saying. (Just tell him to shut up for a minute.)

In fact, according to the famous study by management theorist and author Jim Collins (Good to Great, 2001 – affiliate link), many of the best-performing companies of the late 20th century – Kimberly-Clark, Coca-Cola, Intel, and Merck – had unassuming leaders who were repeatedly described by their teams in these terms: quiet, humble, modest, reserved, shy, gracious, mild-mannered, self-effacing, understated.

Now we’re talking.

Cain, an introvert herself, publicly shares the impact of living in a culture where being social and outgoing are often prized above all else. In her book, “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” [affiliate link], Cain reports that it can be difficult, and sometimes feel shameful, to be an introvert in our society.

No argument here.

As she argues in this passionate TED talk, introverts bring extraordinary talents and abilities to the world. She recommends they be encouraged and celebrated.

And it’s not just Cain who is promoting this idea of introvert appreciation.

Last Spring, Harvard Business Review posted the article, How Introverts Can Become Better Innovators. The author, Francesca Gino, and her team of researchers held a lab experiment in which they encouraged participants to adopt either a more introverted or extroverted behavior.

They found that introverts listened carefully to the creative ideas suggested by others, helping others feel valued and motivated to do their work. By contrast, extroverts appeared to feel threatened by the innovative ideas proposed by others, appearing to be less receptive to those ideas.

The article concludes with this exceptional advice for introverts (and I’m not just saying that because it’s the same message we share here and here and here. It really is good advice):

1. Reflect on your creative moments & seek out an environment that triggers them.
2. Recognize the pros and cons of your own personality.
3. Try to adapt your personality to the context.

Free At Last!

Earlier in this post, I mentioned that by bringing these concepts to the mainstream, these experts have lifted a burden that has affected me for many years. A burden that was built upon feelings that something was inherently wrong with me, because I did not fit into (what Cain calls) the Extrovert Ideal in our Culture of Personality.

In fact, last January my DISC assessment placed me on the introverted side of the DISC wheel. And I was extremely resistant to the concept.

I actually told the career coach, “Me? I’m not introverted! I walk in the room and address the group. When everyone at the meeting is clearly uncomfortable, I lighten the moment and poke fun at myself. I’m no introvert!”

My coach smiled. We patiently reviewed the assessment and eventually I became less resistant to the label.

But I was still bothered by the fact that no matter what I did, no matter how hard I worked to adapt and appear like I “should” in order to fit in (enthusiastic, magnetic, dominant, fascinating, etc.), that I couldn’t escape it. I’m an introvert.

So I when I discovered Cain and her fellow introvert fans – along with their alternate view of what it means to be introverted –  I couldn’t believe my eyes. Or my heart. I was so thankful that someone understood these feelings. And that they could also identify with how these feelings had affected me throughout my career.

This research and these publications have impacted me in a significant way. They’ve given me permission to be myself – most of the time. (As the scientists above recommend, sometimes you must adapt to get the results you’re seeking).

For example: when pressed for a decision by an extroverted teammate – or even my boss – I now comfortably say, “I’d like to consider that. Can I get back with you this afternoon?”

I can actually ask for what I need in order to perform at my best! Without experiencing ANY feelings of guilt or inadequacy when I do it.

It’s an amazing feeling. One that has significantly improved my happiness at work. And at home.

One Valuable Gift

Watching Cain impersonate her childhood summer camp counselor totally hit home for me. I, too, had avoided such childhood cheers as ”R-O-W-D-I-E! That’s the way we spell rowdy! Rowdy! Let’s get rowdy!” As a kid, I loathed all such activities.

So later that day, I had my 10-year old daughter watch Cain’s TED talk with me.

When my daughter said, “She’s kind of like me, Mom. That’s so cool!” I got a bit teary.

In fewer than 20 minutes Cain gave my daughter a gift. A gift with that has the potential to empower her to achieve things that I’ve only just begun to dream about for myself.

Thank you, Susan. From both of us.

 

Image courtesy of Tristan Ferne. 

How To Avoid Embarrassment With One Magic Question

Michelle Agner Blog, Communication 2 Comments

During my short stint in the world of sales, I was given a valuable piece of advice regarding dealing with prospects’ questions.

An experienced peer shared what she claimed was her ace in the hole: before answering a prospect’s question, she would first acknowledge it.

Then she would inquire, “Why do you ask?”

She claimed this gave her a better idea of the prospect’s perspective, and their response would allow her to respond to their original question within its intended context. A side benefit, she added, was that it gave her an extra moment to prep her reply.

Great advice.

Of course, I promptly ignored it.

Why Would You Ignore Great Advice?

I’ll attribute my actions to being youthful and brash. I chose instead to do things my own way: answering questions in a way that made me comfortable, basically spewing all available product data in excessive thorough detail.

Because that’s what people want when they’re shopping, right?

They collect data and carefully analyze it in order to make a buying decision.

Or at least that’s what I do.

Years later – and since becoming an huge fan of productive communication – it’s obvious that what I was doing was taking my preferred method of making a purchase (researching, analyzing, collecting data) and presuming that was what my prospects wanted, too.

And because many folks approach purchases (among other things) differently than I do, I was losing them entirely. And losing sales.

If only I’d used the “Why do you ask?” approach, I would have been able to gain their perspective, and been enlightened earlier. A lot earlier. I might have even reached my sales goals.

But I was too busy blaming my low sales on a number of product and marketing shortcomings in the company. As a result, I was oblivious to the fact that my unwillingness to gain the prospect’s perspective was the real reason for my low sales figures.

As I mentioned earlier, it was a short stint.

Just One Little Question

I was recently reminded of the power of that one magic question when a friend shared a story recently.

Her 10 year-old daughter asked, “Mom, what’s a virgin?”

My friend, who had recently been wondering when she’d begin getting such inquiries, sighed deeply and invited her daughter to have a seat.

She then went through the whole explanation: the human reproduction system, puberty and the physical changes that accompany it, the definition of a virgin, her opinion that abstinence is the clearly best approach for teenage girls, although there are other ways to prevent pregnancy, and on and on.

When Jeannette finally stopped talking, her daughter was staring at her wide-eyed. “Uh, okay, Mom.”

It was then Jeannette thought to inquire, “Why do you ask, honey?”

Her daughter replied:

“Because the computer pop-up thingy is asking if we want the current version of the software.”

Save yourself the embarrassment. Use this magic question.

Have you ever completely misunderstood an inquiry and answered it entirely out of context? What embarrassment followed?

 

Image courtesy of Alex Proimos. 

How To Protect Your Precious Time with Better Communication

Michelle Agner Blog, Communication, Personal Growth 3 Comments

When it comes to interpersonal communication, most people wing it.

You’re busy. You don’t have time to consider that the statement you’re about to make might not land as you intended.

So as a result, you have arguments at home, problems at work, and damaged relationships.

Recovering from these takes time. A lot of time. And effort.

But you can eliminate the arguments. You can avoid the problems. And avert the damage.

You see, with every human interaction, there are just two possible outcomes.

We can connect, or we can conflict. That’s it. So wouldn’t it be nice if you could make more connections and have fewer conflicts?

Well, the good news is that with just a little mental preparation, you can.

Step 1: Recognize that people have different communication styles

The clues to a person’s communication style are in their observable behavior – their body language, posture, tone, pace, inflection, volume, and their choice of words.

Your fast-paced, loud-talking brother-in-law who confidently leans in and always makes direct eye contact has a different communication style than your quiet-toned, relaxed, non-emotional co-worker who leans back in his chair during a conversation.

You’ve probably already noticed how different they are.

But did you know that if you come on strong, use big hand gestures, and speak forcefully with both of these people, it’s likely that one of them will see you as a decisive go-getter, while the other labels you tactless and aggressive?

That misperception can result in conflict – and it can waste a lot of time.

So notice the different styles displayed by the folks in your life. They matter.

Step 2: Understand that people have different goals, reactions, & perceptions

Some of us are task oriented, while others prefer to focus on people. Some people have a need to follow rules and procedures. Others want to be in charge. Some folks really like to help people while others would rather share their ideas with the world.

While these differences aren’t all expressed via observable behaviors as mentioned in Step 1, they do affect a person’s communication preferences. If you interact with them enough to have previously determined “I just don’t get that guy!” then your perceptions of the world are likely on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Accepting that the people in your life have different goals, reactions, and perceptions than you do puts you one step close to minimizing conflict. That way there’s no wasting time on recovering from it.

Step 3: Connect by adapting to these differences

Once you’ve identified the differences between you and your fellow communicator, you’ll know if you need to adapt your style at all.

You might choose to speed up or slow down your speaking pace. Maybe you should increase or decrease your volume. Perhaps you’ll decide to immediately ask about results and deadlines. Or maybe you’ll choose to chat a bit first about how your teammate feels things are going.

If you consider differences before interacting with another person, you’ll become a better friend, partner, parent, boss, employee, teammate. You’ll improve your leadership style. Create win-win relationships. Improve workplace morale.

Admittedly, these three steps are a little more involved than just “winging it.” It takes a little forethought.

But your other option is to keep spending time settling arguments, resolving problems, and fixing damaged relationships.

Connect or conflict: you decide.

Have you ever botched your communication, and experienced a time-consuming mess trying to straighten it out? I’d love to hear about it.

 Image courtesy of Ed Yourdon.